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When You’re in Love With Your Political Opposite

You vote red, I vote blue. Debate is hot, and so are you.

Debra Gaynor, 63, met her husband, Nisim, on JDate in 2004: “We both have said similar things to each other: You’re a smart, educated person. How could you vote for________?”Credit...Illustration by Tracy Ma; Text and handwriting by Debra Gaynor

Politically, these are rancorous times. Not only are our social networks turning into poisonous echo chambers, but partisan animosity is also higher than it has been in decades. So, just in time for Valentine’s Day, the Reader Center asked: Can love conquer all?

We heard from readers across the political spectrum, who are finding ways to bridge the partisan divide at least in their love lives. These are their stories, edited and condensed for clarity.

Debra Gaynor and her husband, Nisim Kaneti, have been married for 11 years and live in Forest Hills, N.Y.

We went to bed late on the night of the election. I was pretty smug until about 9 p.m. or so, when I realized that Hillary wasn’t going to win. I watched the returns until 1 a.m. and then rolled over in disgust and slept badly.

The next morning, with tears in my eyes, I told Nisim we were going to have to get divorced because I could not live with him for the next four years. He said, “Honey, we’re not going to get divorced. We’re just not going to talk about politics for the next four years.”

We’re now 15 months post-election and, for the most part, that’s how we’ve handled it. If the worst thing about him is that he supports Trump (although, I should mention, not on everything), then I'm pretty lucky.

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Daniel Jett, 49, met his wife, Frances, in law school: “We have very similar values when it comes to family and what we want from life, but night-and-day orientations to the appropriate role of government in people’s lives. We live by the mantra, ‘It’s just politics.’”Credit...Illustration by Tracy Ma; Text and handwriting by Daniel Jett

K.E.J. met her husband online. They’ve been together 10 years and live in Denver.

Every day I read the news and know that my husband’s reaction is likely the complete opposite of mine. I would prefer not to talk about it, but he loves to debate. It gives me daily anxiety to try and formulate my side of the argument before it happens, and I breathe a slight sigh of relief if it doesn’t end up being a topic of conversation.

I worry that my husband’s values, as reflected by his political beliefs, no longer align with mine. It makes me worried about raising our son and the longevity of our relationship.

Mary Lowen Sik, 50, met her partner, Howard, 44, while they were both in the Air Force on active duty. They’ve been together 15 years and live in Canby, Minn.

In a nutshell, he tunes in to Fox News and sides with my 78-year-old father. I tune into Democracy Now and have more in common with millennial progressive views.

It is a strain, but I refuse to let the hype and reality show ruin a loving relationship.

You have to either get divorced or work through it. If you are a hard-core political junkie, it’s going to be a painful few years. Maybe see a marriage counselor, or throw out your TV and cancel your Twitter account.

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Maryann Meador has been with her husband, Robert, for 23 years. “If I really spent a lot of time thinking about my husband’s beliefs, I might hate him. The question is: Do you want to be right, or do you want to be in relationship?”Credit...Illustration by Tracy Ma; Text and handwriting by Maryann Meador

Maryann Meador, 64, met her husband, Robert, 64, at church. “He was singing in the choir and I was the student pastor.” They have been together 23 years and live in Saint Marys, Ga.

He told me that he was a Republican before I married him, but I thought he was kidding. He wasn’t. I was and am devastated about the last election. I don’t want to hear his opinions in detail, because I wouldn’t like him anymore.

My husband is walking around the house carrying a MAGA coffee cup.

Annamarie Locker, 28, met her fiancé, Sloan Riley, 30, at a concert. They’ve been together for three years and live in Yorktown, Ind.

Sloan is very, very Republican. He believes Trump is doing great things for America, for the country that he went to war for in Iraq. When we discussed the potential of losing access to abortions under Trump, Sloan’s response was that it didn’t directly affect us, so why should we worry? We discussed further, and like most things, agreed to disagree.

We have a deep love and understanding for each other, and respect that we have different beliefs. Whenever we discuss something that gets heated, something that I am passionate about, I remind myself that I am MORE passionate about Sloan and our relationship.

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Susan Stallard, 67, met her husband, Jeff, in a computer class. They’ve been married 42 years: “I’m supportive of the public good; he thinks the less government the better. We tend to vote differently. Look for what values you share, and what qualities attracted you to each other.”Credit...Illustration by Tracy Ma; Text and handwriting by Susan Stallard

Jeff Hix, 51, met his girlfriend Sara Nesson, 43, on Hinge, a dating app. They’ve been together three years and live in Santa Monica, Calif.

Sara’s from Boston and NYC, and comes from a close-knit Jewish family, and, as you might expect, is 100 percent dyed-in-the-wool liberal. I, on the other hand, grew up in San Marino, Calif., in the 1980s. Ronald Reagan was president the entire time I was in high school and college, and I am forever imprinted by that experience and the conservative values by which I was raised.

I am by no means a Trump supporter, but I understand the roots he’s tapping into and have tried at times to share that perspective with Sara to “broaden her horizons.” I have utterly failed in that effort and have wisely given up trying.

Ted Mathieu met his wife, Valerie, on Match.com. They have been together 10 years and live in Lake Worth, Fla.

The night of the 2008 election, we didn’t watch the results together. Valerie worked at 5 a.m. the next day, so she was tucked in and unaware of the results coming in. I was playing hockey in my league and, after my game, I went to have a have a beer and watch the results come in on TV.

She is a staunch Republican. I am independent, but backed Obama in 2008.

When I got home, I stuck a bunch of Obama yard signs all over our yard and a big one across the garage door. I went inside, got in bed, kissed her and whispered in her ear, “Can you say, ‘landslide’?” She groaned, and went back to sleep.

When she left for work in the dark at 4:30 a.m. she backed her car out of the garage and was horrified to see her yard covered in Obama signs. She jumped out of the car, snatched them all up, got back in the car and hit the button to close the garage door.

Then she saw the 4x8-foot sign slowly emerge, taped to the garage door.

Jason Zimmerman met his wife, Caryl Ann, in college. They have been together 13 years and live in Orlando, Fla.

When we met, she was doing an internship at the George W. Bush White House doing mailers and the like, and I worked through law school on the ‘08 Obama campaign on his blog.

We made a rule early on that we simply just don’t talk politics; I break that rule significantly more than she does, and since President Trump was elected, I break it daily.

Listen as Jason and Caryl Ann describe some funny and difficult moments in their 13-year relationship.

Giuliana Reed, 67, met her husband, Jack, 55, through friends. They’ve been together “OMG! 27 years,” and live in Bethesda, Md.

Jack is a Ronald Reagan conservative. Having grown up in the ’60s and coming from a generations line of Democrats, we’ve been polar opposites on EVERY issue politically, except for abortion, which we agree on.

So here’s the amazing thing. Trump getting elected was great for our marriage. Seriously! For once we came down on the same side, both of us appalled at the fact that someone so incompetent for the job could actually get elected.

Now we worry about the same issues, shake our heads in unison as we listen to the next outrageous appointment and read the next offensive tweet. Thank you, Mr. Trump!

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Jessica Rizzuto has been dating her boyfriend, Austin, for six months: “We disagree about everything! But political discussions drive us to explain where we come from.”Credit...Illustration by Tracy Ma; Text and handwriting by Jessica Rizzuto

Jessica Rizzuto, 25, met her boyfriend, Austin, 27, at a mutual friend’s wedding. They’ve been together six months and live in New York, N.Y.

We met after the 2016 election, thank goodness! But we both still have posters in our apartments of our respective candidates. Not cute.

We disagree about everything! But political discussions drive us to explain where we come from. Think of it as a way for you to define & defend your own beliefs.

For one of our first dates, he took me to a gun range and taught me how to shoot. I’ve taught him a lot about gun deaths in this country compared to other countries and about how much guns are tied to suicide.

I think I’ve become more comfortable around guns and generally learned about what they are. He’s learned a lot about the reasons people want to regulate them — at least as much as we regulate cars for goodness sake! I think I’m winning this one so far …

Katie, 33, met her husband, Dave, 34, in law school. They’ve been together eight years and live in Virginia with their two young sons and wheaten terrier.

I am a Catholic conservative from California. He is a Jewish liberal from Pennsylvania. One of the first things that attracted us to each other was our opposing views on life. We had (and have) great political banter and enjoyed debating all kinds of issues (which was easy to do when you don’t have to live with the person!).

Our sometimes-heated political conversations have pushed both of us to better understand the “other side” of things. There is a perspective on the world that each of us would not otherwise know if we weren’t married to each other. More important, our relationship works because we respect our differences.

One thing my husband always did (and does) is defend me and my views, or at least my right to have a different view without being labeled a racist or bigot or whatever it is.

My husband and I make each other laugh and that’s what has gotten us through those tough moments in life, not our political beliefs. We love each other, plain and simple.


Nicole Phillip contributed reporting.

The Reader Center is one way we in the newsroom are trying to connect with you, by highlighting your perspectives and experiences and offering insight into how we work.

A note to readers who are not subscribers: This article from the Reader Center does not count toward your monthly free article limit.

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